Obama: VP’s accidents have saved or created 29 jobs in the medical and auto-body repair industry
Why does Biden's motorcade have a deep seated hatred of pedestrians?
Biden's motorcade en-route to a fund raiser in Albuquerque.
NEW YORK CITY, NY - Earlier today, President Obama finally responded to the public outcry of concerned citizens everywhere by officially declaring that VP Biden’s motorcade poses a threat to national security. So does any other vehicle, motorcycle, or Rascal Scooter even remotely associated with Biden. President Obama stated that all of Biden’s upcoming engagements for the next eight days have been canceled or rescheduled, and that the VP will be prohibited from using any official motorcades until further notice.
This media had actually expected an official statement from Biden addressing such rumors, but he was noticeably absent from the impromptu press conference. But, Obama reassured Americans that, “the carnage Biden’s motorcade has left in its wake is very unfortunate. And I want to take this opportunity to make it very clear that the United States government is not in the business of injuring or killing its citizens by having Biden’s motorcade crash into them and their cars.” The President then added, “I always try to look at the brighter side of things, and according to initial figures, it looks like 29 jobs were saved or created because of Biden’s accidents. We are projecting that when its all said and done with, Biden’s accidents will have saved or created a total of 104 jobs. Granted, most of those johs will be in the medical and auto-body repair fields but they are jobs nonetheless.”
Biden's chauffeur doesn't believe in stopping for pedestrians.
The President’s declaration follows news that for the fourth time in eight days, vehicles associated with Biden have been involved in an injury-causing accident. One of the more publicized of Biden’s crashes occured on Tuesday evening. when an unmarked police car helping to escorti the VP to a taping of The Daily Show in Manhattan, collided with a delivery cab.
That came on the heels of Biden-caused accident #2 in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where the VP was in town as the keynote speaker at a $1000/plate fundraiser dinner for local politicians. In that accident, a sheriff’s vehicle traveling in Biden’s motorcade collided with another vehicle. Luckily, this accident caused the least amount of damage as only the sergeant driving was injured. read more…
Oprah: “Palin left me with no hope for humanity.”
A frustrated Oprah seen here after wrapping her interview with Palin.
CHICAGO IL. — Oprah Winfrey’s legendary television talk show run will be coming to an end after 25 seasons on the air, her production company reported today. According to the Chicago-based Harpo Productions Inc., Winfrey is planning to announce the final date for The Oprah Winfrey Show on a live broadcast on Friday. The reason for her abrupt announcement – Sarah Palin.
It has been rumored that Winfrey has long thought Palin’s popularity was unwarranted because of the former governor’s questionable career decisions and insatiable thirst for the limelight. These feelings were evident to anyone who watched her recent interview of Palin. Those close to Oprah said she was visibly distraught after the interview and was overheard saying that America’s blind adoration with Palin made her believe she failed at her life’s work of empowering and educating women.
Winfrey has not tried to hide her political beliefs as she openly campaigned for President Obama during last year’s election and was even seen weeping on election night during his victory speech in Chicago’s Grant Park. However, many say her feelings on Palin go way beyond party politics, as one of the show’s producer’s claims that she believes Palin’s success is a clear indication that America is doomed and is too forgone to help. The anonymous producer said the Palin interview just proved to Winfrey that while she may have succeeded in raising the self-esteem of women everywhere, she clearly failed in “empowering women to get educated enough not to fall for the smoke and mirrors of a two-bit, propaganda spewing demagogue like Palin.”
Oprah is reportedly going to seeking counseling from Dr. Phill in the very near future.
Court decides Beck can’t ‘rape and kill’ domain name
The master and his apprentice.
The alleged victim of a rape and murder in 1990 can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing those seeking justice on her behalf will not be silenced by the likes of Glenn Beck any time soon. That’s because the FoxNews show host, and rumored suspect, Glenn Beck lost his lawsuit against Isaac Eiland-Hall over the domain name of his site – glennbeckrapedand murderedayounggirlin1990.com. This decision has made it safe again to ask the question at the heart of the controversy- Did Glenn Beck rape and kill a woman in 1990? And, if he didn’t why hasn’t he denied the allegations?
Due to Beck’s silence on the issue, concerned Americans are no closer to answering the question today than when the story broke back in the beginning of September. The site in question was created almost immediately after news of Beck’s possible involvement in the 1990 rape became public. The site has become the headquarters for concerned citizens devoted to discovering the truth behind the vicious rumor that Glenn Beck raped and killed a woman in 1990. Although Beck has not publicly addressed the allegations, he clearly wants these rumors to go away as evidenced by his botched attempted cover up, which was debunked right here on UnreasonablySafe.com.
The decision is a significant win for not only vaginal rights advocates, but also for freedom of speech lovers too. Because had the ruling gone in Beck’s favor, it would’ve surely discouraged the public from investigating more unsolved 1990 Glenn Beck rape and murder cases. Although, the court remained silent on the actual rumor itself, its ruling clearly leaves the door wide open for further questioning of Beck’s supposed innocence. Some have even suggested that based on Swiss customs, the court’s silence actually means that it is interested in hearing Beck’s side of the story and he should promptly confirm or deny the allegations in a very detailed affidavit. Others were less sympathetic, one anonymous observer of the Beck case said, “regardless whether WIPO is in Switzerland or not- the fact is we let him walk out of that courtroom without handcuffs. I mean and we had him in our midst and we let him walk right out the front door- we should have busted him for rape and murder and asked questions last. It’s likely that the poor woman in 1990 would have wanted it that way- because I’m pretty sure he didn’t ask for permission before he raped her and killed her.” 
Surprisingly, Beck’s supporters have joined his detractors in openly criticizing him and his lawsuit for being deceptively hypocritical. Many cite his characterization of the freedom of speech as, “our most precious right” and people’s ability to speak out as “the supposed watchdog of our Republic.” Beck seems to think the First Amendment only applies when he’s the one hurling offensive insults and allegations, and not when he becomes the target of allegations. Because, while Beck was claiming his freedom of speech protected his brand of incendiary rhetoric from White House criticism of FoxNews, he was simultaneously trying to prevent others from exercising their right to speak out against him. read more…
FoxNews claiming Obama’s newly planted tree will lead to communism
Headline on FoxNews.com yesterday: "Timebomb Tree"
WASHINGTON D.C. - Last week President Obama planted a tree in the White House North Lawn. The tree planting ceremony lasted all of five minutes and was sparsely covered, if at all, by the mainstream media. In fact, there was no more than ten reporters in attendance.
Yet the same ceremony that barely registered not even so much as a blip on other news casts, has been exhaustively covered for five consecutive days by the only network brave and honest enough to report the truth- FoxNews. Much of FoxNews’ coverage has focused on claims that the tree would lead to the spread of communism, and on questions surrounding Obama’s choice of wardrobe and gardening tools.
T.R.E.E. = The Reality is Everything Ending
Last Thursday FoxNews’ Glenn Beck devoted his entire program to showing viewers just how the tree would lead to communism. Beck warned- “America, you need to wake up and realize whats going on here, its no coincidence the type of tree Obama planted is the same as the one Stalin planted during his first year as leader of the Soviet Union.” Beck added, “it really began to come together for me when I noticed the President was really concerned with how evenly the soil was distributed. Its like I’ve been telling you all along- you have to read between the lines!”
FoxNews claims Obama's shovels refused to grant them an interview.
Beck later went on to draw the tree on his famous chalkboard and labeled each of the tree’s roots as socialism, government intervention, acorn producing, and big spending bills. He scribbled Obama’s name on the trunk of the tree and claimed the planting of the tree signaled the “end of democracy as we know it. Democracy in this country has come full circle, it started with a President who chopped down a tree – and ends with one who planted a tree.” Beck even brought out his signature red phone and said, “notice how Anita Dunn and the rest of them over at the White House haven’t called me yet.” An emotional Beck closed out the show by noting, “Obama isn’t like you and me, just look at him… maybe I’m the crazy one, but do you know anyone who uses a gold plated shovel or wears a suit to plant a tree?” read more…
WASHINGTON D.C. - If the fun-loving bunch of politicians and pundits were looking for a break from a tense political season, then the Howl-oween Bash held this past Saturday evening was the place to be. Check out some of this year’s best & worst costumes:
Chairman of the RNC- Michael Steele as Shrek
President Obama as Bert from Sesame Street
Fox News' Sean Hannity
When Safety Measures become Unreasonably Safe
20. Checkmate. Sign (1) - You (0).
19. Notice the safety string preventing anyone from walking between the cones.
18. Contrary to what the contents might suggest, this package may contain only traces of nuts.
Court silent on whether access to Rascal Scooters is Fundamental Right
As an originalist, Justice Scalia, has always believed in unassisted walking. Which makes his decision all the more puzzling, leaving many to question if he's getting softer with age.
WASHINGTON D.C. – The U.S. Supreme Court was in a rare mood of unanimity, issuing a dissent-free opinion on the key issue of the Rascal Scooter’s Awesomeness.
The unanimous ruling continued a recent pattern that may be moving the Court closer to Chief Justice John Roberts Jr.’s stated goal of greater collegiality. That goal has proven elusive since he joined the Court in 2005, with justices often reluctant to cede ground for the sake of joining the majority.
While Justice Thomas did agree with the majority on the Scooter's Awesomeness, he did not think access to Rascal Scooters should be a fundamental right.
It may be too early in the term to declare a trend, and as Court-watcher David Barrow observed, rulings without dissents are easier to wrap up early in the term. Nonetheless, Barrow says, “Monday’s Rascal Scooter ruling sent a striking message of judicial consensus while belying any presumption of ideological division or conflict.”
While there was no dissenting opinions there was numerous concurring opinions on the Rascal Scooter’s Awesomeness, leaving many to think this might not be the last time we hear the Supreme Court on the issue. read more…
Obama has been on winning streak since being awarded Nobel Peace Prize
Opponents say one of the knocks on Obama's game is that he drives to his right too much.
WASHINGTON D.C. - President Obama said yesterday that he was “somewhat surprised and deeply humbled” by the decision of the National Basketball Association to name him recipient of the Eddie Gottlieb Trophy as the 2009-10 T-Mobile NBA Rookie of the Year. This is the fifty second time the President has been awarded or honored in the past five days.
A panel of 120 sportswriters and broadcasters throughout the United States and Canada unanimously decided Obama should receive the award. Sources close to the panel say the foresight displayed by the Nobel Peace Prize Committee inspired them to preemptively give Obama the award before the 09-10 season started.
At last night’s impromptu ceremony NBA Commissioner David Stern said, “Obama will make a fine Rookie of the Year, and the fact he has never played in the NBA should only serve as an inspirational example of just how far hoping for change can carry someone.”
2K 10 will feature all 30 NBA team, plus one additional team consisting of only Obamas.
Before the ink could dry on the headlines of Obama’s Rookie of the Year award, there was word that the President had received yet another honor. This time he was chosen to grace the cover of the popular video game NBA 2K10. According to a press release issued by 2K Sports, the company felt potential customers would be drawn in by Obama’s message. Meaning they hope his presence on the cover would persuade gamers to change their preference for the rival basketball game, EA’s NBA Live.
While the thought of being so highly regarded and adored by the world over might seem appealing, it does not come without a price. As a practical matter Obama’s mantle is rumored to be on the verge of collapse under the weight of the countless trophies, medals, and awards etc. he has received over the past couple of days. While the mantle space shortage at the White House is troublesome, it pales in comparison to the shortage of time on Obama’s calender for all of the award shows and photo shoots. Since last Friday alone, the President has attended thirty eight awards ceremonies in his honor all over the world.
The President’s absence has led White House staffers to jokingly refer to Air Force 1 as the “White House in the sky,” and its pilot, Frank Norris, has been renamed “Trophy Czar.” One person at the White House is not laughing though, as Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel has been skeptical of most of the President’s awards. He has wondered aloud if all of the President’s unjustifiable recognition is really part of a clever right wing ploy to devalue the Nobel Peace Prize, or are all these no-name award committees and organizations just trying to ride on the Peace Prize’s coat tails. Others have said the Obama trophy-train is too hot right now not to give him any and every conceivable award. While the real reason behind all of Obama’s recent accolades is up for debate, few will disagree on the illegitimacy of most of the following awards:
Obama was presented with the prestigious Westminster award for best dog handler.
Obama was shocked to learn that one of Micheal Jackson's last wishes was to have his face replaced by the President's on every new copy of his breakout album 'Off the Wall.'
Rush Limbaugh’s plans to rename team ‘St. Louis Monkeys’ comes under fire from NFL for being overtly racist
What Edward Jones Dome Scoreboard will probably look like if Rush Limbaugh purchases St. Louis Rams. His hatred of SJax borders on insanity, especially considering he's the Rams best player.
ST. LOUIS, MO - Radio host Rush Limbaugh has never liked the idea of African American NFL quarterbacks, but until now he’s only been able to make racist comments about the topic. However, it might only be a matter of time before he can actually do something about it. Rush is rumored to be part of an ownership group that is hoping to buy an NFL team, and fortunately for Donovan McNabb- it’s the St. Louis Rams.
Sources close to Rush say that owning all or part of an NFL team would fulfill his dream of “following in my great, great grand-daddy Scooter’s footsteps.” Rush’s great, great grand-father Scoot Limbaugh was a wealthy cotton grower and slave owner. Scoot’s wife Anne, who he reportedly married at the tender age of twelve, died giving birth to Scoot’s only son, Rush’s great grand-father – Haste Limbaugh.
Scoot Limbaugh, wife Anne, unknown girl sans eyes, and slave housekeeper Pearl Shay.
Rush has not made his love of slavery a secret and has been quoted as saying: “I mean, let’s face it, we didn’t have slavery in this country for over 100 years because it was a bad thing. Quite the opposite: slavery built the South… I’m just saying it had its merits.” Rush has also made numerous racist comments on the predominance of African American players in the NFL including saying: “[it] all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons.“
It should come as little surprise that the NFL Players Union has publicly opposed Rush’s plans to buy the Rams. Which prompted Limbaugh to issue this reply: “Who cares if the players don’t like the idea. Because guess who owns all of the teams? Rich white guys- That’s who! And guess who happens to be a rich white guy? Me! So there you have it.” read more…
Obama honored for making wars in Iraq and Afghanistan seem more peaceful
WASHINGTON D.C. - A shocked Obama woke up this morning to the news he had been awarded the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize. Obama was chosen for his “peaceful approach” to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan said the Nobel Peace Prize election committee.
Retired General Bressler displays the hand written invitation he received to attend the Afghanistan Resolution mixer.
The committee stated that “Obama has created a new climate in international politics. Peaceful wars are now the preferred instrument for resolving even the most difficult of international conflicts. Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama been so peaceful in the handling of wars on multiple fronts.” The committee went on to add, “In the past leaders of countries have always conducted their wars in a rude, confrontational, and hostile manner. Obama, on the other hand, has been very cordial and polite in the management of his wars.”
For example, Obama has been very hospitable in the way he has handled the topic of sending more troops to Afghanistan. In lieu of formal meetings, all of the military’s top personnel attended a series of dinner parties, socials, and mixers at the White House in the hopes of coming to a resolution on the issue. Each invitation sent to invitees were hand written in calligraphy by Obama himself, and sealed with a wax stamp. read more…
Excessive budget-cutting consultant fees not on chopping block says handsomely paid consultant
"The only way the university will be able to cover the costs of its librarians," said the consultant, "is by selling all the books in the university's library on Amazon."
BERKELEY, CA. - UC Berkeley has reached an agreement to pay a consultant $3 million to help the school find new ways it can save money. The consultant suggested that the university could cut its budget deficit by up to $1.2 million if it: cut faculty pay; laid off some employees; sold a portion of its campus; and raised student fees.
These, and other similar suggestions were part of the what the consultant calls its first phase of budget suggestions. The consultant said such suggestions were merely intended to be short-term fixes, much like a band-aid gently placed over a newly severed limb. The consultant urged everyone not to confuse its first phase of budget suggestions with its second phase of budget tips which include “long-term financial strategies.”
Budget analysts say the consultant’s second phase of budget tips could potentially save the university up to $6 million a year in the long term. “We think we have a great opportunity to save millions of dollars every year, if the consultant would just tell us what the second phase of tips are” said UC Berkeley Vice Chancellor Yeary in an announcement posted on the university’s website Monday morning. Sources close to Chancellor Yeary say the university has nearly secured all the funding to cover the consultant’s $8 million asking price for its second phase of suggestions. read more…
However, Obama still has room for improvement, says Biden- especially with his uppercase “W” and his lowercase “t” and “f”
(THE ROUGH BEGINNINGS) Jan.21- A disgusted Biden looks on as Obama writes his "chicken scratch."
WASHINGTON, D.C. - When it comes to the topic of handwriting, Joe Biden calls himself “old-school” for believing good penmanship is the mark of a courteous writer who truly values his readers. Biden first took notice of Obama’s sloppy writing a few years ago while the two were still U.S. Senators. Yet, it wasn’t until late 2008, when Biden read an illegible hand-written memo from Obama that left the VP dumbfounded as to what was written, that he decided to take action.
In an effort to keep the matter internal, Biden approached Obama in private and offered to give him secret handwriting lessons. Much to Biden’s surprise, the President enthusiastically accepted Biden’s offer and the two met on a bi-weekly basis for secret handwriting lessons in the Oval Office until mid-September.
(FROM BABY STEPS TO BREAKTHROUGHS) May 27- Biden notices improvements in Obama's writing.
Sources close to the VP say the process of transforming the President’s writing has been a monumental undertaking for Biden. The VP’s friends in the handwriting community actually tried to dissuade the VP from taking Obama on as a student, saying “coaching someone as old as Obama is impossible, he’s too foregone and entrenched in his writing style already.” Biden began to wonder if his friends were right after the initial lessons with Obama ended disastrously.
The VP started to question whether both, he and the President, were too old and if maybe they had bitten off more than they could chew in trying to change Obama’s handwriting. Despite Biden’s extensive handwriting coach experience, he had never taught a student over the age of fourteen, and more than twenty years had passed since he last gave anyone a lesson. read more…
SPOILER ALERT!!! SARAH DOESN’T DIE AT THE END
HarpersCollins released this preview pic of Palin's new book.
Ex-Alaskan Governor turned writer Sarah Palin ends her visceral debut book, Going Rogue: An American Life, with a stern warning that the shocking revelations about her life are all real, and believing otherwise “would be a very bad idea.”
“Ridiculous” might be more apt, particularly in reference to a key scene where supposedly her husband savagely ripped out his own fibula and used it as a weapon to ward off an angry bear from attacking the Palin family in 1994. In fact, “ridiculous” could describe the whole book as it moves from one preposterous event to the next. Take for example, the highly suspicious circumstances in which Palin says her son was conceived- Sarah and Todd were somehow trapped in an overpopulated polar bear tank and decided that the best way to distract the hungry white beasts while they await rescue was by having sex. Because according to Palin “My daddy always told me, it’s hard to remember you’re hungry when you’re watching two people go at it.”
Palin hopes her new book will do better than her first book "Juneteenth- adding pizazz to your boring old swastikas."
It’s a testament to the book’s amazing pop-up graphics and Palin’s pulsing narrative that her tale about a barely literate soccer-mom turned politician (with a penchant for shooting wolves from helicopters) is actually really entertaining. So entertaining in fact, that the book’s complete abandonment of logic and common sense are worth overlooking. What you get in return is vulgar, violent, giddy fun.
For Palin's illiterate fans: the book will also be available on cassette narrated by long time Republican supporter Bobcat Goldthwait.
However, HarperCollins, her publisher did not seem too impressed with the book upon first read and gave Palin an ultimatum- rewrite it or it won’t get printed. read more…
Not to rain on Beck’s crazy parade, but his little ‘experiment‘ was soo 90’s, as in 1690’s – it was called the Salem Witch Trials
Yes, you just witnessed a man kill a frog by tossing it into a pot of boiling water on live TV for no apparent reason, other than to prove to his critics, once and for all, that he’s a homicidal lunatic who can’t be trusted near amphibians. Beck was simply doing what he does best, which is to formulate some ridiculous argument/opinion based solely on a myth, only this time he tossed a live frog into a pot of boiling water.
The frog, who is survived by four tadpoles, was said to be a kind soul who had a zeal for life and truly enjoyed living. Friends of the frog claim he was a progressive environmentalist and a big supporter of green jobs. At his eulogy earlier today, his teary-eyed brother said “Ribbet!! My little bro didn’t die in vein- in fact, I couldn’t imagine a better way my brother would’ve wanted to go than by (sniffling) – exposing Beck for the crazy lying killer that he is.”
Frog-gate has already spawned another Beck book. Can you say stocking stuffer?! "Frogs: Boil Them Alive" is scheduled to hit shelves in earlier December - just in time for Christmas!
Sources close to the family say they were especially outraged by Beck’s dismissive comment- “forget about the frog,” he said immediately after realizing he had committed murder. The frog’s family plan on filing a wrongful death suit in the hopes of raising awareness of Beck’s murderous ways. Upon hearing of the family’s plans to sue him, Beck issued what can only be described as a heartless response. The douchey FoxNews show host actually had the audacity to claim the frog was a prop. So it’s not enough to end an innocent frog’s life- no, no- he felt compelled to add insult to injury by dismissing the frog as fake.
For argument’s sake, let’s assume for a moment that the frog was in fact a prop. Why would Beck rest his whole premise on showing viewers how they have to “jump out of the pot” in response to Obama’s policies- only to use a prop frog he knows can’t jump out of the pot. Does he secretly want viewers to stay in the pot of boiling water and die like the frog? I don’t get it. read more…
Sarah Palin now offering Escort Services as part of fundraising campaign
Winning bidder ‘furious’ she overpaid for lunch with Sarah Palin
Maples pictured here, says she feels "ripped off." (Courtesy -FoxNews)
HUNTSVILLE, AL. – Defense contractor Cathy Maples won a lunch date with ex-Governor of Alaska and part-time blogger Sarah Palin. Maples won the Ebay auction to dine with Palin with a bid of $63,500, which is $23,500 more than what Palin usually charges customers for a “Lunch Date on me” according to Palin’s escort site. Sources close to Maples say the Church Lady look-alike is furious and is even thinking of canceling her bid.
Palin getting cozy during one of her famous double "Governor's special" sessions, which allows for customers to pull out before getting the job done.
One such source who spoke with Unreasonably Safe Observer is Willie Cunningham, an ex-employee and close friend of Maples. Cunningham told us that, “had Cathy known about Palin’s escort site she would’ve never bid more than $40,000,” and added, “heck, Cathy is even paying $3500 more than what Palin charges for dinner dates.” Cunningham also said, “even though Cathy told me she hasn’t gone lez for another chick in quite sometime, she is expecting whatever is included in the ‘Lunch date on me’- and hopes the lunch is in a private setting so they can get right to dessert.” read more…
From left to right: PIMP (Bunny brothel owner Dennis Hof), JOHN (Sean Hannity with pen), and HOOKER (Stacy Swallows or Air Force Amy).
Hooker on Hannity: “he has been gladly paying good money for really raunchy sex with women he barely knows since well before 1990.”
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA - An anonymous source close to FoxNews told Unreasonably Safe Reporter the pictures circulating on the internet of Sean Hannity posing with prostitutes were actually leaked by Hannity himself. The source is also claiming that he actually did this to distance himself from the Glenn Beck rape controversy. The well publicized allegations that Beck raped a woman in 1990 has started to catch the attention of the mainstream media. They have been dumbfounded by the same question concerned citizens have yet to get an answer on- ‘If Glenn Beck didn’t rape a woman in 1990, why hasn’t he denied the allegations.’ Despite the growing concerns of citizens nationwide, Beck, Hannity and the rest of the FoxNews crew have remained mysteriously silent on the issue. That is until today, when the photos of Hannity carousing with prostitutes mysteriously began surfacing on the internet.
Apparently, the release of the photos was in response to the recent allegations that Hannity might have had a part in covering up Beck’s rape controversy. Rather than be dragged down by Beck’s problems, Hannity got out in front of the issue and released these pics himself in the hopes of creating a diversion, while also giving himself the opportunity to get his side of the story out before the liberal media was able to spin it. The message Hannity is putting out there is simple, “While it may be true that I used to be a whore monger, I at least paid for sex in 1990.”
Hannity and his honies after a lengthy session of 'in-depth investigatory reporting' and 'hard hitting revealing exposes'
More importantly, the photo leak effectively accomplishes two things. First it distances him from Beck and his rape controversy by creating his own quasi-controversy for people to focus on. Secondly, it serves to create a pretty rock-solid defense. Which is: ‘Sure, I used to squander hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on prostitutes, but that doesn’t mean I have a deep seated hatred of consensual sex. It simply means I used to have a deap seated hatred of non-transactional consensual sex.‘ read more…
Dobbs says he was fooled by her ‘Mexican gypsy trickery’
The Dobbs seen here recently at a screening of Fit with Mitt. (A documentary chronicling Mitt Romney's battle and eventual triumph over his obsession with his physical appearance, and the grueling exercise regiments he used to be addicted to.)
SUSSEX COUNTY, NEW JERSEY - CNN show host, and staunch immigration critic, Lou Dobbs has reportedly filing for divorce from wife Debi Lee Segura. The news of the divorce came somewhat as a shock to Debi and the couple’s four children. In a brief phone interview with Unreasonably Safe Observer, she said “I had no idea we were even having problems, I mean Lou kissed me before leaving to work this morning and then two hours later I get a call from his attorney telling me he’s considering filing for divorce.”
Apparently, sources close to Dobbs claim he is contemplating filing for divorce after discovering his wife’s “secret” Mexican heritage. A longtime producer of Dobbs’ show, who asked not to be identified for this report, says the CNN show host is outraged but says he only has himself to blame.
The producer said, “I mean all of us at the show thought he knew, you know… that Deb was Mexican. Which is why we always found it kinda weird that he was super anti-Mexico and everything.” The producer also added, “he said he couldn’t believe he fell for her Mexican lies, but in my opinion I don’t think Debi ever tried to hide her heritage. I just don’t know how someone doesn’t notice something like that, I mean seriously, all the clues were there: Deb took ‘Cinco De Mayo’ a little too seriously not to be Mexican, she’s always cooked awesome Mexican food, and she even spoke Spanish to all four of their kids, Juan, Julio, Consuela, and Miguelito.” read more…
It’s being reported that upon learning of Swayze’s passing, the Unicorn pictured above committed suicide, because apparently life wasn’t worth living knowing there would never be a Too Wong Foo Two.
Semenya showing off her womanly curves.
The results of an investigation into the gender of South African runner Caster Semenya have been released and test shows its an … it. Concerns were raised over her his its masculine appearance following its victory in the women 800m race in the world championships last month. The tests shows that Semenya has testicles where her ovaries should be. The runner immediately rejected the claims that she has internal man parts, and says the claims are the product of jealousy over her talent to run really fast.
A source close to the genetics tests told Unreasonably Safe Observer: “This is evidence Semenya is a hermaphrodite, you know like Jaime Lee Curtis.” The source added: “The chick has got some balls to deny the results of a genetics test which clearly show she actually has balls.” 
In a shocking turn of events, which can only be described as a 
stroke of marketing genius, the runner says she has signed a lucrative deal to pose for both Playboy and Playgirl magazines. Her agent Sal Goldberg said: “The magazine deals are just the beginning, Semenya has got the X factor and the Y chromosome to really take the endorsement business to the next level, she’s going to be the spokesperson for a huge segment of the population that until now has gone untapped.” Goldberg added: “Remember what Micheal Jordan did for basketball, well, Semenya is going to do the same but for chicks with balls in them.” read more…
Rep. Joe Wilson claims Sen. Chuck Grassley promised to let him into ‘Gang of Six‘
Rep. Joe Wilson seen here telling Grassley "You don't know me, I'm the craziest SOB you've ever met brother!! I got bigger balls than just about anyone here not counting Biden...just watch Chuck- I don't give a f%ck!!"
WASHINGTON D.C., - During President Obama’s moving speech on health care Wednesday evening, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson (R) yelled out “You lie!” when the President stated his plan would not provide coverage for illegal immigrants. Many who heard his comment instantly began speculating that such an outburst could only come from someone with touretts syndrome. Although the jury is still out -Wilson denied he has or has ever suffered from touretts syndrome- but did not provide any suporting evidence to justify his denials. Wilson released this formal apology immediately following the conclusion of the President’s speech:
This evening it looks as if I let my emotions get the best of me when listening to the President’s remarks regarding the whole health care thing. But there is more than meets the eye here. To be honest with y’all, I frankly don’t know enough about all this health insurance mess to agree or disagree with the President’s statements about them Mexicans getting their hands on my health care. Rather, my comments were a direct result of Senator Grassley challenging me by saying: ‘I didn’t have the balls to pull a Glenn Beck and scream out something illogical and crazy during the speech.’ He even claimed ‘Pelosi has got bigger balls than you.’ He also said he was ’so sure I’d chicken out that he’d be willing to bet his own membership in the Gang of Six that I wouldn’t do it.’
Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley challenged Joe Wilson to pull a Glenn Beck during the President's speech on Wednesday.
Now, I wasn’t going to let ole’ Chucky get one on me, plus the Gang of Six are so awesome, everyone knows they throw the biggest keggers in D.C. Plus, I really wanted one of them leather jackets they wear with the cool number 6 on the back of it- I’d be like the Fonz of the House man. So, I yelled it loud as hell, unfortunately I didn’t time it right cause- at the very moment I started screaming everyone decided to get quiet. So all you heard was me screaming ‘You lie!’ I know how all this must look, but trust me we pull much crazier crap than that all the time over at the C-street house. Anyways, I also know without all this context- my comments might have seemed inappropriate to the viewers at home and the President. Hopefully, y’all can understand where I was coming from given the circumstances. I would like to extend my sincere apologies to the President for my outburst, and he also deserves an apology from Senator Grassley who started it all. Hopefully, I don’t think they’ll be any hard feelings, because he knows that I don’t know enough about health care enough to have just blurted something out without being provoked.
Senator Grassley could not be reached for comment and is expected to address Wilson’s allegations in the forthcoming days. read more…
Obama’s speech to students results in many children now claiming: “Communism is the best!!”
Right wing’s irrational fears of Obama turning their kids into socialists realized
Professor Obama at work teaching his class the fundamentals.
WASHINGTON D.C., - President Obama planned on giving the nation’s students a little pep talk on their first day of school today. However, news of the speech riled the feathers of many right wing pundits who viewed the speech as an effort by the President to indoctrinate the nation’s students into socialism. Some parents saw Obama’s speech as such a threat that they kept their children home today, and others requested their children be excluded from viewing the President’s speech. The outrage and protest amongst these parents was not enough to derail the speech, which went off without a hitch as the majority of the nation’s students viewed the President’s address.
Evidence of the speech's impact could be found in this fourth grade class picture, which clearly shows the students have embraced communism.
The President’s speech focused on creating a responsibility amongst students for their own education, and did not contain anything in the way of proclaiming socialist or communist ideals. Despite the speech’s complete lack of political agenda, the immediate impact of the speech was nothing short of shocking, as now an overwhelming number of the nation’s students are self-proclaimed communists.
The results of the speech could be found in speaking with area school children immediately after the airing of the President’s speech. One area second grader, Timmy Goldstein exalted, “from each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needs.” Another area first grader Stacy Davidson stated, ” we the proletariat, will be victorious in overthrowing the bourgeoisie.” Comments like these have become commonplace in schools throughout the nation. One area school even reported that a kindergarten class turned to violent protest over their right to use only red colored crayons for a coloring assignment in which they were asked to color an ocean scene. read more…
Gil Stefano claims to have taken this picture on March 14, 1990, while on a sailing excursion with Glenn Beck and friends. The picture shows Beck on the bottom posing with Bruce Henning on top.
ST. PETERSBURG, FL. - “There is absolutely no way Glenn Beck raped a woman on March 14, 1990, because I was sailing with him and some friends that same day,” says local Tampa retiree Gil Stefano. He is also claiming to have a picture he took on the sailing trip to prove it.
Mr. Stefano told Unreasonably Safe Observer, “when I first heard of the allegations I thought it was a joke, not because I didn’t think Mr. Beck was capable of it, but because from that sailing trip it didn’t seem to me like Glenn even liked women. He was flirting like a little school girl with Bruce Henning the whole afternoon” said Stefano. Who added “yeah, every time I looked at him he was batting his eyelashes or blowing little kisses at Bruce.”
The "Stephano" picture was originally published in 1985, a whole five years before Beck allegedly maybe raped a woman in 1990.
As badly as Beck fans want to believe Mr. Stefano’s cute little tale, don’t be fooled. Mr. Stefano is not telling the whole truth. While there is no questioning the legitimacy of his photo, the date he is claiming to have taken the photo is clearly erroneous.
Apparently the same photo was originally published in 1985 by Annandale Advocate. The photo was part of a feature article which profiled Annandale local Bruce Henning’s love of sailing and men in the paper’s then gay friendly section, Backdoor Pages.
Did Beck rape a woman in 1990?
Does he have a ‘deep seated hatred’ for consensual sex?
Official Durham County Police report listing Glenn Beck as a rape suspect. (Click on picture for a closer look)
DURHAM, CT. - According to a recently discovered Durham County Police report Glenn Beck raped a woman in 1990. Calm down!! Chances are the suspect in the case is just someone who shares the same name as the FoxNews show host.
Despite the great likelihood of this being the product of a simple mix up of names- there are some eerie coincidences that are worth mentioning. For starters, the crime remains unsolved. The manhunt for the suspect briefly caught the attention of Durham’s local media after numerous reports were leaked stating that the rapist, not the victim, cried throughout the encounter. This led to the local Durham media giving the wanted suspect the nickname – “Crying Rapist.”
"Crying Rapist" headline on March 28, 1990 reported by a local Durham newspaper. -- Courtesy of Durham Times.
The local media attention around the case intensified after Durham’s Channel 4 ran an interview with Gwendolyn Sutton, the officer who responded to the rape call. In the interview, Officer Sutton claimed “the victim told me the rapist whispered the phrase ‘I’m doing because I love my country‘ repeatedly as he cried and raped her.” Sutton added, “before the rapist ran away he looked at the elderly lady and reportedly told her ‘in the future a brilliant black man will run the government and get it to kill you‘ or something crazy like that.” After weeks of exhaustive searches and chasing countless dead leads, the county-wide manhunt for the “Crying Rapist” eventually died down. Local media coverage eventually faded out as the town turned its attention to the town’s annual bake sale hosted by Big Betty’s Brownie Bonanza, a local town favorite.
The "Crying Rapist" police artist rendering bares a somewhat strong resemblance to Glenn Beck. -- (Courtesy: Durham Channel 4 archives. Click on picture)
It is also worth mentioning that Beck worked at WKCI-FM (KC101), a Top 40 radio station in Hamden, Ct., where he co-hosted the Glenn and Pat Show, a local morning show with Pat Gray. However, the fact that Glenn Beck worked in Connecticut prior to working at CNN and FoxNews in no way suggests that he raped an elderly lady. Obviously, there had to have been another man named Glenn Beck in Connecticut around 1990 too, who also harbored an unhealthy and irrational fear of a tyrannical and homicidal government, who allegedly wept while raping an elderly lady.
This is just a little taste of the awesomeness that’s inside…. The painting below might be an indication that Obama wasn’t born in the US – he was born in dreamland. Bob Ross would be jealous! Click read more to see the rest…
Look at how magestic Unicorn Force 1 looks in the background.
